Actual writings on hospital charts
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
3. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
4. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
6. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
7. The patient refused autopsy.
8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound
weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a
divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker
instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen
and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Ponder This!!!
Why do you drive on a parkway and park on the driveway?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter
fight?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
Why are there intestates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the
whole plane out of that stuff?
What do chickens think we taste like?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you
transport something by ship its called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Polar Bear Conversation
One afternoon in the Artic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear
were sitting in the snow.
The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar
bear?"
The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."
A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and
says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No
brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"
The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is
100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."
A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father
and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I
gotta know - am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and
asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"
"Because I'm freezing!"
Farmer Joe's Accident
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough
to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer questioned Joe. "Didn't you
say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Joe responded, "Well, there is more to that story. I had just loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the trailer and was driving her down
the highway when this huge eighteen wheeler ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't
want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie suffering, so he went over to her. After looking
at the mule, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot
her."
"How are you feeling?"
A New Element...
Dont send it to your BOSS!
Investigators at a major US research university recently discovered the
heaviest element known to science. The element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an
atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant
neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it
an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It
is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to its discovers, a minute amount of Administratium
causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would
normally have occurred in less than a second. Administratium has a normal
half-life of approximately threeyears, at which time it does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons, vice neutrons and
assistant vice neurons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's
mass actually INCREASES over time, since each reorganization some of the
morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate
that perhaps Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a
certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical
quantity is referred to as "critical morass."
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in the large companies, healthcare facilities and universities;
and will often be found in the newest, best-maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is
allowed to accumulate.
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when
they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over
themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before
her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her
in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides
to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and
"cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with
me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and
cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever."
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you
do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as
the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you,
little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the
Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden
Retriever and the Lab and says: "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Aggie Virus
~~~~~~~~~~~
You have just received the "Aggie Virus"!!! As we don't have
any programming experience, this Virus works on the honor
system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and
manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Letter from a Redneck Mom!
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We
don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your
home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address
because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house
numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change
their address. This place is really nice. It even has a
washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of
clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said
it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on,
so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked
his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took
him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby
this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if
you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle
Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull
him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him
cremated he burned for three days. Three of
your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your
other two friends were in the back. They drowned
because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much
more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has
happened.
Mom
Things people supposedly said in court, word for word, taken
down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: This Parkinson's Disease, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
Careful What You Ask For --
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife
a little gift. The cosmetics clerk showed him a $50.00 bottle of perfume.
"That's expensive," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for
$30.00. "That's still quite a bit," he complained. Growing annoyed, the
clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. Tim shook his head and said, "I'd
like to see something really cheap." Then the clerk handed him a mirror.
*****************
Vintage Beauty --
A History professor was explaining how society's ideal of beauty changes
with time. "Take Miss America in 1921," he noted. "She stood 5'1'', weighed
108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in
today's beauty contest?" One student piped up, "Not very well! She'd be way
too old!"
****************
What Big Teeth You Have...
An elderly man and his wife were dining at a restaurant. After the man
received his food, he carefully cut his portion in half, and poured exactly
half of his drink into another cup. Then he gave these to his wife. Their
waitress noticed that the old lady was not eating her half and said, "That's
so sweet that you share the meal, but why aren't you eating?" The old lady
said, "I'm waiting for the teeth!"
*******************
Closely Knit --
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the driver, he was astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
*******************
Word Count --
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a
study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women
use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this, then told her husband that
women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything
they say. Looking stunned, he said, "What?"
*********************
The Die hard Fan --
Bob receives a free ticket to the superbowl from his boss. Unfortunately,
when he arrives at the stadium, he realizes that the seat is located in the
last row in the corner farthest from the field. But halfway through the
first quarter, he notices an empty seat right on the 50-yard line, so he
makes his way over to it. Before he sits down though he asks the man next to
him, " Excuse me, is someone sitting here?" The man says no. "Wow,"
says
Bob. "Who would have a superbowl ticket and not use it?" "Well,
actually,"
says the man, "the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to bring my wife but
she died. This is the first superbowl we haven't been at together since we
were married back in '69." "I'm sorry," says Bob, "But couldn't you
bring a
friend or relative?" "No," answers the man. "They're all at the
funeral."
*************************
Apologies to Mary Poppins --
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he sometimes suffered
from bad breath. This made him a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with
halitosis.
*************
All in the Family --
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede
their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband
sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied,
"In-laws."
**************
Midnight Snack --
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back
with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great
physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace
with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George
replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed
it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom
*poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off." "Wow!"
commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr.
Smith called George's wife. Ethel, he said, "George is doing fine.
Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and
*poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof*
the light goes off?" Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, no! He's peeing in the
refrigerator again!"
**************
A Fishy Burial --
Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered
over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died,"
replied
Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned.
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Timmy patted
down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your
cat."
********************
Oncoming Traffic --
A man listening to the radio hears that a car is headed the wrong way on a
highway, forcing people off the road. He realizes his wife is on that
highway and quickly calls her on her cell phone. "Honey, watch out because a
car is going the wrong way and running people off the road!" She screams
back, "It's not just one car! There are thousands of them!"
*********************
Religious Bearing --
One day an atheist was out hunting for deer when he heard something behind
him. He turned around to see that it was a bear. The bear got closer, so the
frightened atheist decided to give prayer a try. "God, I know I denied you
so many times, that it would be foolish for me to ask you to help me, so I
ask you to please make the bear a Christian." When he finished his prayer,
the bear got down on its knees. The atheist got closer, and heard the bear
was saying: "God, bless this food I'm about to eat."
***************
Heaven Can Wait --
Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The
priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man.
"Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's
reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole.
"Do you want to go to heaven?" "No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.
The
priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die,
yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
***************
Good Horse Sense --
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind
him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he
says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on it," she replies. "Two weeks ago when I went to the
races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains. She
looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three
days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with
an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says,
"What the heck was that for?" She answers, "Your horse just phoned."
********************
Sherlock Holmes and the Great Outdoors --
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and
fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see
millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn
is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then
speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
************************
Wrong Answer --
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" After a
considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need
companionship." "If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would
she
live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the
way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks,
"would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us
$2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would." "If I died and
you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she
use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's
left-handed."
The following are actual statements found on insurance
forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of
an accident in the fewest words possible:
Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a
tree I don't have.
I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I
put my head through it.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of
its intentions.
I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of
times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way
home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up
obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my
universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared
in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I
was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid
hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and
vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing
my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other
side of the curb when I struck him.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to
swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. I was
thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found
in the ditch by some stray cows.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a
small car with a big mouth.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran
over him.
Getting Married?
#CASE 1
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other
fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
#CASE 2
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??"
The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
#CASE 3
Before a man is married, he is incomplete.
Then when he is married, he is finished.
#CASE 4
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's
degree and the woman gets her master's status.
#CASE 5
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married??"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for
it."
#CASE 6
Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad : "That happens in most countries son."
#CASE 7
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."
#CASE 8
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
Affair?
#CASE 9
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
#CASE 10
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing : either the car is new
or his wife is new.
#CASE 11
A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked.
The woman replied, "A multimillionaire."
#CASE 12
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted".
The next day, he received hundreds letters.
They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads
(Women)
40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
Here are some lines to confuse and enlighten.
Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
The only perfect science is hindsight.
He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
A procrastinator's work is never done.
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.
If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.
I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Bumper Stickers
1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed . . . Blame Someone Else And Seek
Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?
34. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
35. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
36. If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off... [Seen On The Back Of A
Biker's Vest]
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down,
On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be
Seen On A Restaurant]
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like
Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics 45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere 47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
56. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
57. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
58. Peta - People Eating Tasty Animals
There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates of
Heaven where Saint Peter met them and asked, "what would each of you like to hear
your relatives or friends say at your funeral?" The first man answered, "I am a
renowned doctor and I would love to hear someone say how I had been instrumental in saving
someone's life and gave them a second chance." The second man replied, "I am a
family man and a school teacher, I would like to hear some say what a great husband and
father I was and that I had been made a difference in some young persons life." The
third man replied, "Wow guys, those are really great things but I guess if I had my
choice I would rather hear someone say, "LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!"
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle
went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant,
magnificent, a genius!" The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked
casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him
getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island." There was a sudden hush, and
everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered,
"We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here." As they
drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're
angry about something." "Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've
never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island?
You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
Quick Wit: As they left the auditorium after a two-hour
lecture on ninetheeth-century English poets, the wife exclaimed, "Didn't it make your
mind soar?" "Yes," her husband agreed grimly, "and my backside,
too!"
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the
pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding
vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and
'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave
that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is
now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the
ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor
looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself
before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of
your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even
look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked
around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and
hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand
and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
RANDOM THOUGHTS
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will
be misquoted, then used against you.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it
remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
It could happen to you department A man rushes into his
house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California
lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man
responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
This is a true story
A blonde was recently hired at our office. Her first task
was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large
thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop
worker quickly came over to take her order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of
coffee?" the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, Hesitated a
few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two
black, and two decaf.
A young man was walking through a super market to pick up
a few things when he noticed an old lady following him. "Pardon me," she said.
"I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you
look just like my son, who died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the
young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said,
"as I'm leaving, would you say 'Goodbye, mother?' It would make me feel so much
better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he
called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" Then, as he stepped up to the checkout counter,
he saw that his total was $127.00. "How can that be?" he asked. "I only
purchased a few things!" The clerk replied, "Your mother said you'd pay for
her."
There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears
like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without
repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type,
and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the
guy grabs the parrot by the throat,shakes him really hard, and yells, 'QUIT IT!'. This
just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says 'OK
for you' and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he
claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream
of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad
that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible
din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin
NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At
first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply
chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer
door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,'Awfully sorry about
the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.' The man is
astonished. He can't understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot
says, 'By the way, what did the chicken do?'
A minister would up the services one morning by saying,
"next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as
a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of
Mark." On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said, "Now,
then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark,
please raise your hands." Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said
the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter
of Mark."
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the
first class section. The stewardess tells her she
must move to coach because she doesn't have a
first class ticket. The blonde replies, 'I'm
blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm
staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.'
The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks
the woman to leave and she says 'I'm blonde, I'm
smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first
class until we reach Jamaica.'
The stewardesses don't know what to do because
they have to get the rest of the passengers seated
to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co-
pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her
ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat
in the coach section. The head stewardess asks
the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The
co-pilot replies, 'I told her the front half of
the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica'.
Superman, Snow White and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were
sitting around talking about their best qualities.
Superman said, "I am considered to be the strongest man in the world."
Snow White said, "I am considered to be
the fairest maiden in the world."
Hunchback said, "Well, I have the reputation of being
the ugliest man in the world."
Superman suggested they go to the castle and
see what Snow White's mirror had to say.
Superman went in first.
When he returned he said the mirror confirmed that
he is still the strongest man in the world.
Snow White was next and when she joined the other two
she said she was, indeed, still the fairest maiden in the world.
The Hunchback was next and when he came out
he had a puzzled look on his face.
He is asked the other two, "Who is Dennis Rodman ?"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
combined with horrible stress.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.
And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
"Don't discuss your problems with him;
it will only make his stress worse.
Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant
and giving him plenty of back rubs.
Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
"And, most importantly satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year,
I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife,
"What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to
Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer to
let her know he had arrived safely.
Unfortunately, he miss typed a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a
Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.
The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When
she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read:
"Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were
discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to
operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said,
"I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything
inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on
electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded. The
fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless,
gutless, and their head and their butt are interchangeable."
There was a Japanese man
who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told
the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.
Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled,
"Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the
taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled,
"Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!" And then a Mitsubishi sped past the
taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled,
"Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!" The driver was a little angry, but
he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi
came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so
expensive!" There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast!
Made in Japan!"
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of
crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally,
a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to
track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite
cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head,
and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll
blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the
Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and
translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in
Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get
lost, gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
Only in our Office-- Another true story Several weeks ago
we hired a blond who wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. One day she was typing and
turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the blond took
her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make
five blank copies.
It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday
to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear
collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down
the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder,
sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs. As the bear closed in, the
pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please
forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian." Suddenly the bear
skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and
said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."
Here are some true stories from technical help desks
around the country.
At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my
annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a
Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was
calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error
and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the
computer was going to blow up.
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the
tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from
giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to
get it to work?"
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
the 'OK'' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow ! How can you see my screen from there?"
Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding
the box closed and go
from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks..."
Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a
fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad
command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive. Go to A:\ and
type
'dir'." Customer reads off a list of file names, including
'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL'
again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file
name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place. It
can't help
but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L
and hitting the "Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause)
"Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure
you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says
'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is
stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give
the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's
asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number
so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big
bar . . ."
One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across
an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he
rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared.
"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes,"
said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the
Genie continued. "What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie
suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes,
every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."
"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always
wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the
man. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO
Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next
wish?" "I could really use a million dollars..." replied the
man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the
Genie reminded the man. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY
million," replied the man. "And what is your final wish?" asked
the Genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said,
"Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
The local
bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they
offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all
the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people
had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do
it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses
and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try
the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK,
grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled
remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to
total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell
into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000,
and asked the little man,"What do you do for a living? Are
you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied," I work
for the IRS."
A nine
year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?" After
thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and
female." This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or
white?" "Well," she says, "God is both black and
white." This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or
straight?" Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent,
the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he
triumphantly asks... "Is Michael Jackson God?"
Automobile Acronyms AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
BMW Bought My Wife
BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long
Extended Trips
DODGE Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT Fix It All the Time
FORD Fast Only Rolling Downhill
GM General Maintenance
GMC Gotta Mechanic Coming?
HONDA Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's
Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan
Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW Virtually Worthless
Long ago, when sailing
ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by
a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First
Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the
captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate
ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the
pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were
two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but
the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the
battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships,
although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the
battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's
occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked,
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?" The
Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted,
"If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and
thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat
in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next
morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them,
all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their
leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever,
bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
Joke for you ...... One night, a
twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five
people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a
hitch-hiking hippie. Suddenly, an oxygen generator exploded loudly in the
luggage compartment and the passenger cabin was boiling with smoke.
The cockpit door opened and the pilot burst into the cabin.
'Gentlemen,' he began, 'I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're
about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I
have one of them!' With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from
the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. 'Gentlemen,'
he said, 'I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I
think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!' With these words, he
grabbed one of the remaining parachutes and hurtled through the door out into the
night. Bill Gates rose and said, 'Gentlemen, I am the world's
smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man
should have a parachute too.' He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke.
'My son,' he said, 'I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of
True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute,
and I will go down with the plane.' The hippie smiled slowly and said,
'Hey, don't worry Pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my
backpack!'
Quick Wit:
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it
makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
---Garrison Keillor I haven't spoken to my
mother-in-law for eighteen months--I don't like to interrupt her. ---Ken
Dodd My mother said. "You won't amount to
anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Just wait."
---Judy Tenuta
Husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle
down, the man leans over as whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your little
hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet". The wife takes the hint and says
"OK, but I have to use the bathroom first". So off she goes, but on her wayback
she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up
concerned "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?". No harm is
done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours.
Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again,but on her way she trips over the
piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch".
A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin
also has a country fellow, who seems to be quite stupid. To past
the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy. So he says 'I will ask
you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar, and then you
ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, since you're so stupid, I'll pay you
ten dollars!' The guy agrees and so they keep asking questions, and of
course, the scientist always gets the question right, and the peasant gets it
wrong, they play for 3 rounds, and then its the stupid person's turn.
He asks, 'What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm
tree, and ten seconds to get down?' The scientist is confused and spends
3 days contemplating on the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to the end
of the trip. The scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the guy.
He says ' I don't know, what has 3 legs, takes ten hours to get
up a palm tree and ten seconds to get down'?. The peasant takes the ten
dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to
the scientist, and shrugs, 'I don't know'
Quick Wit:
My mom used to tell me not to eat so fast because it wasn't good
for me. So I put a strobe light over the table. ---Nick Arnette
He read in the paper that it takes ten dollars a year to
support a kid in India. So he sent his kids there. ---Red Buttons
When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon,
"Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants
you, let them come and get you." ---Jerry Lewis
Texas Summer!
May 30th Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state
that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and
deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying
on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th Really heating up. Got to 100 today.
Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real
sun worshipper.
June 30th Had the backyard landscaped with western plants
today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more
mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat.
Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree
burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I
learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car
when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had
swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather
upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and
shit. No more pets in this heat!
July 25th Dry #@*&$!% heat, my ass. Hot is hot!!
The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to
drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th Been sleeping outside by the pool for three
nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did
I ever come here?
Aug 4th 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner
fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid
repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this #@*&$!% state.
Aug 8th If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for
you today?", I'm going to tear his #@*&$!% throat out. Damn heat. By
the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I
smell like roasted #@*&$!% Garfield!!
Aug 10th The weather report might as well be a damn
recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to #@*& for two damn months and the
weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this
barren damn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of
cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can't live in
this heat.
Aug 14th Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123
today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the
Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you
today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Aug
30th Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$!%
monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln
is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're
moving to Iowa for some peace and quiet.
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID
1-You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2-Your back goes out more than you do.
3-You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
the room.
4-You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
5-You are proud of your lawn mower.
6-Your best friend is dating someone half their age..... and isn't
breaking any laws.
7-Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8-You sing along with the elevator music.
9-You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10-You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
11-You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
12-You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
13-You make an appointment to see the dentist.
14-You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow *your* tools.
15-People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
16-You have a dream about prunes.
17-You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
18-You send money to PBS.
19-The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top
of your pants.
20-You take a metal detector to the beach.
21-You wear black socks with sandals.
22-You know what the word "equity" means.
23-You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch
television.
24-Your ears are hairier than your head.
25-You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
26-You got cable for the weather channel.(My uncle calls the Weather
Channel "Old Folks MTV.")
27-You can go bowling without drinking.
28-You have a party and the neighbors don't even notice it.
Marriage Shorties
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied
"Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You
know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I
was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I
got two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not
to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made
at the altar. Well, times haven't changed at all!
Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty
proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.
Conversation Girl: When we get married, I want to share
all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any
worries or troubles. Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Buying A Bull
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing
the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed
their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600
dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull
for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me
and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can
sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the
nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our
ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and
drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,
then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you
to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to
know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck
and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you
send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."
"She'll read it very slow."
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to
concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically
asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In laws."
1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core
competencies are.
2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based Organization."
3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
4. You can spell "paradigm."
5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
6. You understand your airline's fare structure.
7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten-page presentation with six other
people you don't know.
10.You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and
"Improvement opportunities".
12. You end every argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line".
13. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering",
"Down-sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people's asses".
14. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
15. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an Expense.
16. You insist that you do some more market research before your Spouse produces another
child.
17. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand
equity.
18. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
19. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.
20. You give constructive feedback to your dog.
21. You give your girlfriend a golden handshake on the way out!
HillBilly Medical Terms:
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan..................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma.......................A punctuation mark.
D&C........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.....................Not a friend.
Fester.....................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
G.I.Series................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid....................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.......................I knew it.
Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.......A letter carrier.
Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..................Damn near killed him.
Secretion...............Hiding something
Seizure...................Roman emperor.
Tablet....................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor....................More than one.
Urine.....................Opposite of mine.
Varicose.................Near by/close by.
A woman is walking on a beach and comes across a Genie's lamp. She rubs
it, and lo and behold, a Genie appears.
The woman asks, "Do I get three wishes?" The Genie
says, "No, due to inflation, downsizing, low wages and fierce global
competition, I can now only grant one wish. What will it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. "I want peace in the world. See this map of the
Middle East? I want these countries to stop fighting each other."
The Genie looks at the map and says, "Good grief, lady, these countries
have been fighting each other for thousands of years. I'm good, but I'm
not that good. I don't think I can do it. You'll have to think of
another wish."
The woman thought a minute, then said, "I've never had luck finding the
right man. You know, considerate, fun, likes to help with cooking and
housework, not glued to the TV, gets along with my family, and is
faithful."
The Genie let! out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again . . .
I will be adding tons of jokes here...
If you have any cool ones to share.. send them thru my suggestions form.
Thanks!
